The Guilty Doctor
by Shrink To Be
Summary: This is the sequel to the oneshot called What Kind Of Doctor . What happened after that night. Turning the oneshot into a full length story. Sorry about the chapter length... Warning: Self mutilation.
1. Chapter 1

**Summary:** This is the sequel to What Kind Of Doctor (which can be read on it's own but if you want a bit of an aftermath then this is it). It's simply the day after the night before. Warning: Self mutilation references.

**Author Notes:** I was so pleased that people enjoyed What Kind Of Doctor. It inspired me to write a little more. This story will have more than one chapter but probably no proper ending because I don't want there to be any cliché's. It's likely to end with the type of scene that makes you wonder what happened next- but nothing's definite yet. Please review!

The doctor woke to a throbbing headache. He groggily opened his eyes and slowly regained consciousness.

He looked to his side to see Rose sleeping with her head on his shoulder. There were the obvious marks of where tears had dried on her cheeks. He cursed silently so to not wake her.

His headache was very bad and he knew that his left arm probably wasn't much better. There were some things that a sonic screwdriver could do, but it was impossible for him to heal his own skull if he couldn't see what he was doing. He had to get to the medical room. Fast.

He gently moved Rose's head onto the floor, - thankfully she remained asleep - and pushed himself up off of the floor of the TARDIS. He quickly lent his hands against the wall as he felt a wave of dizziness hit him suddenly. He took several deep breaths before he pulled away from the wall and steadied his feet. With the sonic screwdriver, he cleaned up the blood stains, inwardly shocked at the amount of blood loss.

He left the console room without even looking at his injuries. It was all too routine.

Rose remained sleeping on the floor as the Doctor healed his wounds, leaving no marks of last night's events.

* * *

Rose was confused as to where she was when she woke up. When she remembered what had happened the night before, however, her mind went into overdrive.

Where was the Doctor? Was he even alive? Do Time Lords just disappear when they die or…?

Rose jumped to her feet and went in search of the Doctor.

* * *

The Doctor strolled down a corridor ion the TARDIS on the way back to the console room. He still had lots of things that he needed to sonic screw drive-

"Doctor!" Rose nearly knocked him over as she flung her arms around his shoulders.

"What's wrong Rose?" The Doctor asked. 'Ok,' The Doctor thought to himself, 'the plan is to pretend that you have no idea what she's on about… Best not to get her involved with things when she doesn't need to be…'

"What's wrong? What's wrong! I thought you were dead!" She half shouted into the Doctor's ear, (causing him to wince) before she pulled away from him.

"Why would you think that? Me? Dead? I may like this body but I'm not going to not regenerate just so that I can die looking good." The Doctor said cheekily.

"I woke in the night and- and- you were- !" Rose stuttered.

"It was just a bad dream Rose – I'm perfectly fine!" He sent her another smile but she could see the sympathy in his eyes.

"But… it was so real…"

"Dreams can be scary eh?"

"It wasn't a dream- must have been a nightmare. It was awful. I thought that… oh never mind. It was just nightmare." Rose was confused, but because she desperately hoped that it was in fact only a dream, she believed him.

"That's the problem with you- you have an overactive imagination." The Doctor sighed in mock sadness as he gently patted her on the shoulder and walked into the console room.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author Notes:** This chapter is very short but it fills the gap well:-) just call it the filling in a sandwich… it does have a purpose though but I'm not saying any more than that. Please review!

* * *

"I'll be off to bed then. See you in the morning." Rose said as she left the Doctor to fiddle with the console of the TARDIS. 

"Sleep well; hope you don't have any more nightmares!" the doctor called after her as he continued to press buttons.

Of course, Rose wasn't _really_ going to bed. It may have just been a bad dream last ni9ght but it sure had freaked her out. She decided to pretend to go to bed but then return half an hour later to check on the Doctor- just to be sure.

Later that night, Rose sneaked towards the console room where she suspected that the doctor might be. She started as a very sudden loud noise erupted and then died away. Rose did not recognise the sound- it had happened far too quickly.

There it was again. It sounded like… she crept down the corridor a bit more so that she was walking towards the Doctor's bedroom.

She flinched as she heard the sound again. She ran the rest of the way and burst into the Doctor's room.

Expecting to see some kind of monster eating away at the Doctor, Rose began to giggle as she realised that the sound had only been the Doctor snoring.

He was lying half on his bed with an arm and leg sticking out from under the cover. His mouth was wide open as he breathed deeply and loudly. His hair was ruffled from where he had lent on his pillow. His face suddenly scrunched up and moaned a few words: "Thank you for the present… planet zug…happy holidays to you too…I wanna go to the TARDIS farm…" and then continued to snore even louder.

Rose stifled back more laughter as she left his room. She was _so_ going to tease him in the morning about that…


	3. Chapter 3

As always Rose slept in late. By the time she had washed and dressed the Doctor was already in the console room tinkering away with wires underneath the main controls. She smirked as she evilly thought about how to embarrass him.

"So... where abouts are we heading?" Rose asked the Doctor. It seemed as if they had been floating around pointlessly for days now.

"Where do you want to go?" He retorted, not even looking up at her.

"'mnot fussed... where do you want to go?" She shrugged.

"Haven't got anywhere in mind just yet." He said, pulling his head up from the bundle of wires and mechanisms. Rose grinned in anticipation. "What are you smiling at?" The Doctor asked with a frown. He brushed down his jacket and looked back to Rose. "What?" The Doctor asked suddenly feeling very selfconsious.

"Last night you said you wanted to go to a TARDIS farm. Any of those around?" A dark shadow fell over the Doctor's gaze but it was quickly replaced by a look of denial. Just as Rose had expected- he was going to deny everything.

"I didn't say that last night!" He breathed.

"You did so! You slept talked!" She smirked and stuck out her tongue at him.

"I do _not_ sleep talk! I am a Time Lord and Time Lords Do not- What where you doing in my bedroom!" The Doctor exclaimed.

"I thought I heard something." She laughed, "But it was just you snoring! You were totally out of it. Sleeping like a baby- what, pray tell, were you dreaming about?"

"None of your business." The Doctor turned and began to walk away from Rose.

"Tell me about TARDIS farms! They sound...interesting. I've never been to one before. Must have been good if you wanted to go there."

The Doctor didn't say anything.

"Why can't we go and see one?" She ran after him.

"Because, Rose, there aren't any TARDIS farms anymore!" He spun around and glared at Rose. She took a step back –she had never seen the doctor like this before. Raw emotions radiated offofhim.

Upon realising the Rose seemed intimidated, the Doctor tried to make his face display a neutral emotion. "I'm sorry. It's just... not my favourite topic."

Rose frowned slightly. _Why would the Doctor find talking about TARDIS farms uncomfortable?_ " Do you want to talk about it?" She asked quietly.

"Not really no." The Doctor turned away and left the console room.


	4. Chapter 4

**Author Note**: I'm sorry I haven't updated in a while. Wow- I think I am so mean with this chapter. I have a good idea for next chapter but it depends how many nagging reviews I get… I have loads of reads but barely any reviews! Come on people! Just a couple of words will do! I'll love you for it! Enjoy…

--

_You shouldn't have snapped like that Doctor._

I know, I _know_.

_She's not stupid. She'll figure it out._

So what do I do?

_Well to start you need to remember to keep your guard up next time. Fool. No-one can know. Think about it. No-one can find out about our little secret. How will you be able to look them in the eye knowing that they know what you did? We must keep this to ourselves. You know this. How can you forget so easily?_

It's hard.

_Of course it's hard! But whose fault is that? You should have thought about that before you lit the match. You have to live with it. If you are incapable of that, then you will just have to kill yourself._

What am I going to do? Light a fire here in the TARDIS? Have you forgotten that the TARDIS and I are a team? If I die then so does the TARDIS. And so does Rose…

_Well you will have to punish yourself won't you? You can't make the same mistake again. No-one can know._

* * *

The Doctor reached to his jacket pocket and pulled out a shard of glass. He closed his eyes and drew a deep breath, calming himself as he slumped against the wall. He was having an internal battle between common sense and the need for self control. 

Without opening his eyes, he pulled up the left sleeve of his jacket, his wrist up towards the ceiling of the TARDIS. He put the glass to his lower arm and applied a little bit of pressure…

"Doctor?" The Doctor snapped his head up, out of his trance, and saw Rose standing in the doorway looking at him in horror.


	5. Chapter 5

**Authors Note:** I have updated very quickly this time. The reason for this is several death and torture threats from my 'friends'. Though I DO appreciate them… thank you! Lol! It's quite fast paced but hopefully I've managed to keep them in character. Thanks to a mate (who I cannot name but she knows who she is.) for the techno talk!

---

"Doctor?" The Doctor snapped his head up, out of his trance, and saw Rose standing in the doorway looking at him in horror.

The Doctor shook his left arm, the sleeve fell back into place, and put his hands into his jacket pockets. He casually dropped the shard from his hand back into the pocket.

Rose didn't move from the doorway. She gripped the door tightly as if it was the only thing keeping her standing upright. She felt small tears at the back of her eyes forming. She was scared. "Doctor what…" She took a deep breath, "What did I just walk in on?" She asked quietly.

"Nothing." The Doctor said gruffly. He coughed to clear his throat. He pushed himself off of the wall and stood to look at Rose. "What is it?"

Rose stared at the Doctor. "I just wanted to see if you were ok…"

_See that look in her eyes Doctor? She knows!_

"Thanks for the concern but I'm fine." _Always have been always will be…_ the voice thought sarcastically. The Doctor gave a small smile to Rose and began to walk towards the doorway in which she was standing. "I think I had some repairs to do…" He said as he began to walk past Rose.

"But- Doctor, you're not _fine._" Rose said with a sudden tone of anger. She closed the door before he could get through. "Tell me what's wrong. Why all this secrecy?"

The Doctor tensed his jaw as she blocked his escape. He glared fiercely into her eyes, trying to stay calm. _Keep up the mask. _

"Don't you trust me, Doctor?"

"It's not about trust."

"Then what _is_ it about? What's so important that you can't tell me? I only want to help!"

"I don't need help."

"Stop pretending Doctor. I can see right through it."

_She's bluffing. Stay calm, she's bluffing._

"Why have you been acting so strange for the last couple of days? What's happened?" Rose's expression softened as she took a step closer to him and took his hand.

"Nothing has happened Rose." The Doctor said quietly pulling her into a hug. "I've just been thinking a lot is all."

"That explains it…"

"What?"

"It explains why I keep finding you with this painful look on your face." Rose smiled, "You really shouldn't think to hard, you might strain yourself." She stifled a laugh.

"Cheeky…" the Doctor smiled and pulled out of the hug. He sighed inwardly with relief.

Rose opened the door again. The Doctor started to walk through it.

"'You sure you're alright Doctor?" Rose asked once more. The Doctor stopped and turned towards her.

"I'm fine Rose. I'm perfect. You know me." He said with a smile.

_Lying sod…_

Rose grinned and followed the Doctor out of the room. "So what repair works are there then Doctor?"

"I need to tweak the carphicance catalyst a bit."

"…right." Rose said slowly.

"Just go keep an eye on the console while I go and fix it. Shout to me if anything strange happens. What I do might affect the controls a little." He lied smoothly.

"Sure." Rose said as she left towards the console room.

The Doctor let out a sigh of relief.

_Well played._

He found a quiet room deep in the TARDIS and pulled out the shard of glass.


	6. Chapter 6

**Author Notes: **Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I'm so sorry! I really really am! I'm sorry for not updating for aaaages! But now I have.. I hope you aren't disappointed and I hope you haven't all lost interest or anything…:-(

Hopefully this fic is about to get a little more interesting… I actually now have a small idea of how to end it (in about 3-5 chapters) aand there is a possibility for a sequel ( though you'll all get really annoyed if I say that im gona write it cos you know that it'll be ages till the bloody thing is complete anyway…) So if you want to write the sequel for me then feel free- just email me asking for the rough ideas that I had and make sure you give me a little credit:-p lol:-) thanks for reading- and please review! I have the next chapter practically finished so I'll update as soon as I've got a good review to reads ratio:-p enjoy…

* * *

It was the fourth day since Rose had witnessed the 'incident' in the console room. The Doctor seemed to be acting completely normal apart from the obvious secrecy and the disturbing dark looks that Rose noticed every now and then when she caught him off of his guard. The Doctor was now fiddling around underneath the console once more. His jacket was unceremoniously sprawled over the chair. Rose sighed as she picked up the jacket, folded it in her arms, sat down in the chair and stared at his feet. He just couldn't seem to sit still- even his feet kept twitched every so often. 

"Doctor… What's wrong with the TARDIS?" Rose asked.

There was a loud bang and a soft gasp of pain as the Doctor attempted to jump up, forgetting that the console was in the way. He pulled himself out of the machinery so that he could face Rose. He gave a small smile and said "I don't quite know yet. There seems to be a break in a circuit somewhere…" His voice trailed off as he disappeared once again under the console.

"Ah ha!" Even without seeing the Doctor she could imagine the look on his face- a cheeky, triumphant grin. "Oh, woops- Rose could you pass me my sonic screwdriver, its in my jacket pocket. The left one- no I mean the right… actually just check both." There was a laughing edge to his voice- almost like he was relieved…

"Sure." Rose unfolded the jacket and started to check the pockets. She was just about to pull out the sonic screwdriver when she felt her finger touch something sharp. She gave a soft barely audible gasp and pulled out the object. It was a single piece of glass.

_One piece of glass on the floor of the TARDIS?_

She looked at it closely. Tiny brown red marks were visible where it looked like dried blood was trapped on the rough surface on one side.

_You know what he's doing but you're just too scared to face him._

But she had tried to talk to him. He covered it up well, and, well, if he doesn't want to talk about it then why pressure him even more? He can be kinda scary when he wants to be…

_He's calling out for help. Help him._

"Rose… can you not find it?" The Doctor said from under the console, his left hand was stretched out for the sonic screwdriver but his right hand and head were still hidden.

"Oh, yes…" She quickly grabbed the sonic screwdriver and pushed it into his hand. She glanced at his wrist but no mark was there. His hand quickly disappeared back under the console.

_Maybe he's not doing it on his wrists… maybe…_

Then again there was that time where he had fatal head injuries one night and the next morning they were gone…

_Yes… because the sonic screwdriver has a basic healing setting…_

Rose placed the glass in her jeans pocket and took a deep breath. She fiercely blinked back tears and refolded his jacket. She watched him work under the console, worry, guilt and anger biting away at her mind. She gave small smiles at every 'eureka!' and each burst of knowledge that the Doctor spouted out. She was not looking forward to talking to him about this… but she knew that it wouldn't be long until he discovered that the glass was missing and she started to see the affects…


	7. Chapter 7

**Author notes:** Yes! I told you I would update by the end of the weekend and I have! Woo! Not much action in this chapter… but a lot of angst… it's all going to kick off soon…please review:-) I was so greatful for the amount of response I receieved for the last chapter:-D Thanks so much for all your support!

* * *

The Doctor took longer to crack than Rose had first anticipated. Granted, she could sense his agitation only hours after he had finished playing around with the console, but it was a whole three days before had let any of his emotions show.

It started off with him wringing his wrists almost constantly. His right fingers curled around his left wrist…move hand palm up… then palm down… then his left fingers around his right wrist…repeat. When he caught Rose watching him he would stop abruptly and tense and relax his fingers a couple of times and then make up a weak excuse to leave the room.

After that Rose noticed him rubbing his forehead and giving long sighs. He seemed to have a tension headache. When Rose talked to him to ask where they were destined to arrive next he would merely blurt out a short answer with a pained voice.

Rose found it odd that the Doctor could suddenly stop everything just because his piece of glass had gone missing. It can't have been that important could it? He could just use something else couldn't he? Rose knew that just by taking away one sharp object wouldn't stop him from doing something when he really wanted to. Surely he would simply use something else?

Rose's assumptions were correct. On the fifth day she noticed a red claw mark on the doctor's hand going up his arm which was hidden underneath his jacket. She had no doubt that there would be more marks up his arm. He had very small tears developing in his eyes and she knew that he was trying his damnedest to keep them at bay. He still looked exactly the same as he had the day before- tired, stressed, worried, and guilty.

She didn't know how much he would be able to cope… she was starting to feel that she had been very cruel. OK, he did need his problem sorted out but obviously she was going about it the wrong way. Going cold turkey was obviously not going to help. It's not just a habit… it's a mental condition. Rose just hoped that she might just be able to help him through his depressed state of mind.

Rose sighed and pulled out the shard of glass that she had kept in her pocket for the last five days. She bent down and placed it on the floor and left the console room. She knew that she could have put it on his chair or something so that he could find it easier… but that would have given the game away. He had already checked all the obvious places in one of his quiet panic attacks. He'll find it now though- and hopefully he wont suspect anything.

* * *

The Doctor entered the console room. He didn't know why he had though- there was nothing wrong with the TARDIS that he could see it was still not functioning and by returning to the room he was just reminded of his failures. It worried him that he had somehow managed to get both Rose and himself stuck with no visible way of fixing the –apparently- non-existent problem.

He let out another long sigh and closed his eyes. He wiped his right cheek with his hand and groaned inwardly with frustration. He just couldn't seem to stop crying. It was pathetic.

He felt something under his shoe that wasn't the TARDIS floor… it was small… and his senses told him that it was sharp. He moved back his foot… and low and behold… he picked up the small shard of glass.

So many emotions. He felt the darkness seeping back towards him. It was daring him, taunting him, mocking him. He looked at the glass, an evil gleam returned to his eye…

He gave a small chuckle and almost ran to his room.


	8. Chapter 8

**Author Notes:** Yes- I updated again! Ok, this chapter is where it gets graphic… I'm sorry it's only short but I feel sick- seriously! And also it was quite hard to write… Could you please review to tell me if you liked or disliked it- and please tell me whether I need to change the rating to M!

* * *

The Doctor burst into his room and sat on the floor leaning on the table leg. He placed his sonic screwdriver on the table behind him and held the piece of glass firmly in his hand.

He pushed the glass into his wrist and he hissed lightly as the felt it pierce through his flesh. He watched in fascination as the beads of blood grew in the cut.

Blood. So pure. So strong. So _beautiful._

He watched in fascination as the beads of blood grew in the cut.

He cut again, deeper this time. He smiled sadly as the pain shot up his arm. He gasped and tears flew down his face. He made no attempt to stop them.

He moaned and then brought the glass up to his wrist for a third time. With a single quick pull of his right arm he sliced the skin on his left wrist one last time. More blood burst out, welcoming the release.

The Doctor lifted his wrist up to his eye level and studied the three cuts on his wrist. Droplets of crimson gold started to fall down his arm, covering it. The cuts were in no order, one only an inch long, another almost two and a half. They each pointed in different directions.

He brought up his shaking right hand to touch the blood. His fingers were soon covered in the sticky fluid. He moved his hand up further to touch the cuts but gasped and quickly pulled it away as a stinging pain burst in his wrist.

He swallowed slowly staring at his wrist. He could feel himself shaking ever so slightly. More tears found their way down his face and he blinked to clear his eyes.

He was a Time Lord. The Superior race and he had been reduced to this…

It was Pathetic.

He didn't know what demon had possessed him earlier- but whatever it had been, it wasn't here now. All that was here now were the three cuts and the twisted feeling in his stomach telling him that he wasn't alright. He knew that he was going to have to stop what he was doing… but it's just so hard!

He gave a sob as he put the glass in his pocket and turned around to pick up his sonic screwdriver-

- But the sonic screwdriver was not on the table anymore.

Rose held out her hand and gave him the sonic screwdriver- an unreadable expression on her face.


	9. Chapter 9

**Author Note: **Wowee! I wrote this chapter! You might want to read the chapter and then my notes just so that u don't go insane with the whole suspense thing…:-p Anyway, I'm reali glad with how this chapter worked out. It's the first chapter that's been 'betad' and I think its worth the effort. I don't know when I will be updating again and I haven't left it on a massive cliffyso you shouldn't mind waiting too long. However, the more you guys review then the more likely I will write faster. Please enjoy reading and I cant wait to hear your responces:-)

* * *

The Doctor stood up instantly, snatching the sonic screwdriver from Rose's hand. He ignored the annoying wave of dizziness that washed over him.

"What are you doing here?" The Doctor asked, his voice raised, "Are you spying on me or something?"

"Don't you dare shout at me, Doctor." Rose's voice was dangerously quiet. She stepped closer to him. "You have some serious explaining to do. What could be so bad that you have to go off and do that? It's- it's just- _wrong!_ You're mentally unstable! I can't believe you made me think that I was imagining it all! Why? Why couldn't you have let me help?" Tears tugged their way down her cheeks.

The Doctor's anger dissolved as quickly as it had appeared. He bowed his head in shame and barely noticed his sleeve fall back into place over his left wrist.

"Look at me Doctor." Rose ordered. He kept his head down but she put a firm hand under his chin pulled it upright. She saw tears of shame falling delicately down his face from the corners of his closed eyes.

"I'm sorry Rose." He forced out. "It's not your fault." His eyes snapped open and he looked at her desperately, "You must know that. It's not your fault. You didn't do this. You shouldn't feel guilty for not realising."

"You're so cruel Doctor." Rose said in a hushed voice, "You lied. You had no need to. Why?" Rose let go of the Doctor's chin and he leant back against the wall, sliding down it so that he was on the floor. She sat down next to him, her eyes never moving off of his face, and waited for his reply.

The Doctor was silent at first but then, in a tired voice, he began to speak. "What do you mean 'You had no need to'?"

"I…" Rose faltered. "I guess that you should have told me 'cos I'm only going to try and help you. I'm not going to treat you any different or anything…"

The doctor nodded, his eyes downcast. Rose noticed that his hands were shaking, ever so slightly. She looked at his arm and found it hard to tear her gaze away from his once white sleeve that was now soaked red.

"I'm… I'm sorry for shouting Doctor," she whispered. "I used to know people who did it, at home…I didn't really know them or anything though...they had their own friends to help them through it so I didn't have to get involved…I just sorta watched from a distance…"

"And now you're upset 'cos it's sneaked up from behind and bitten you? You don't have to solve my problems for me Rose!" the Doctor spat out angrily.

"No!" Rose gasped, "No! I'm just surprised! I would never've expected you to do anything like this –"

"-yeah, well, I'm full of surprises, me -"

"And even if you did, I would've thought that you would have told me! I would've thought that you knew it was wrong and that you needed help!" She let out a long sigh. "Don't give up, Doctor. Please."

"I'm not giving up."

Rose raised an eyebrow, "So what's with the suicidal acts?" she asked with a hint of sarcasm.

"I'm _not_ suicidal." The Doctor hissed, growing angry once again. Rose looked away. He stared at the back of her head. How could she think that he would…he would _never…_

But how could he be sure? After the way things had been, after how he had been forgetting…

"How long?" Rose asked, after an awkward pause. The Doctor pulled his thoughts together, frowning.

"I don't know… it started…" He took a deep breath. "It started a long time ago but it's only recently that it's seemed to dominate my life."

Rose nodded slowly, her eyes and face still averted from his.

"I forget who I am. One minute I'm sitting here with a piece of glass and the next thing I know I have gashes on my arm or…" He trailed off.

"Or what?" Rose asked, gently probing.

The Doctor let out an impatient snarl. "You tell me. You know what I've been doing. I woke up to find you asleep in my arms and that I had a throbbing headache! Please, _you_ tell mewhat _I _did because _I_ honestly can't remember!" His voice had become loud again and he felt the anger fighting to be let out. "Why didn't you stop me Rose?" he asked.

"Why didn't you help me?"

"I'm trying to!"

The Doctor let out a haunting laugh. "'Helping'? '_Helping'? _Ha! No. No, you're not helping me. You're laughing at me. 'Oh, look at him now! He's been knocked down a few pegs hasn't he? Not such a great ruler of time now! A real time-lord would be ashamed!' Well what a shame Rose, what a _terrible_ shame. There are no Time Lords apart from me. So why not let myself go, eh? There's no-one around to care! It's just me left!"

"Calm down!" Rose countered him, almost hysterical. One of her closest friends was cracking right in front of her eyes and she had no idea of how to stop it.

"Don't tell me what to do! You have absolutely no idea! Don't even try to imagine! I'm so lonely Rose. So_ lonely_. The deepest pits of the darkest planet don't even begin to represent the emptiness in my heart where my family once were- I lost _everything_! And you're telling me to 'Calm down'? Why don't you just go home? Eh? Then you won't have to worry about helping me or saving the universe. Just leave. Then you won't have to deal with the empty shell that I now am…" The Doctor stopped suddenly as if waking from a nightmare. He blinked hard, his mouth open slightly. His lower jaw was trembling slightly, as were his hands. He let out a shuddering breath, "I'm afraid, Rose."

Rose, who throughout his ranting had been gaping at him with a shocked look on her face, crouched down next to him and caressed his wet cheek. She blinked back tears and spoke in strained voice.

"You don't have to be afraid anymore."


	10. Chapter 10

**Author Notes:** So sorry for not updating sooner! However… this is the penultimate chapter:-p I know exactly what will be in the next chapter but I haven't even started writing it yet :-( sorry… I like the way this chapter turned out, it's a lil creepy and stuff but ya know…0:-) What did you expect? I really appreciate all of my fabulous reviewers! I love you guys and u help keep me 'motivated'. I'm just scared that you'll all hate me when I submit the last chapter... you're gonna hate it…

I have another plot bunny now which is unconnected to this. I think I'll be writing that rather than any sequel for this fic just yet. At the moment I'm a little bit busy with accelerated maths exams etc. and this months issue of Doctor Who Magazine has just been sent to me so I'm busy reading:-p please review! Ps. All my reviewers ROCK!

* * *

The Doctor and Rose sat on the floor, held in each others arms for what seemed to be an eternity. The warmth of her body began to take away some of the coldness in his mind, and the Doctor felt his heart relax. _She hasn't left me. She's right here, next to me, helping me through this._ He smiled slightly to himself and ignored the burning sensation at the back of his throat. 

They eventually separated once their tears had dried and their emotions were in check. Rose meekly stretched out her legs and arms in an attempt to relax her tense muscles. The Doctor did likewise but winced suddenly as the newly formed scars on his left wrist reopened. Fresh blood started to trickle out of the wound. He grabbed the sonic screwdriver from the floor and set it onto the correct setting, but just as he was putting it to his wrist Rose snatched it out of his hand.

"I think I'll be keeping this for a bit," Rose said seriously.

The Doctor gaped at her.

"What? Why?" He didn't understand. Surely it would make more sense to confiscate the glass …

"I won't stop you doing it, Doctor, but you've got to deal with the consequences." She tucked the sonic screwdriver firmly into her jeans pocket.

The doctor was speechless. How was he going to heal his cuts if he couldn't use the sonic screwdriver?

"It makes perfect sense, really, Doctor…" Rose tried to reason with him. "You won't be able to go too far or anything because you won't be able to heal it instantly."

The Doctor nodded silently. He didn't like it but he knew that Rose was right. Without healing the wounds he would be constantly reminded of the activity. However, would this discourage him from it or encourage him? Having to look at the scars could either make him feel sick or the sight could lure out the monster within him and cause more episodes. Would it cure him or break him? The Doctor had no answer to these questions; but he knew that Rose was the most level headed person in the room right now. What she had done must be for the best - right?

* * *

The Doctor passed the next few days in what appeared to be a much better mood than Rose had seen in a long time. _He's back to normal. _Rose thought to herself. _Almost._ She knew that a sudden turnaround was something to be careful of and she doubted that even the Doctor would be completely cured after one emotional evening. 

"Want a cup of tea, Rose?" The Doctor poked his head around the corner. Rose replied with a brief "Please!" and followed him down the corridor into the kitchen.

Two mugs were set out, the kettle was coming to the boil, and the kitchen was cleaner than Rose had ever seen it. The Doctor scrambled around in the cupboards for the tea bags and sugar, and Rose sat down at the breakfast table with a smile.

The kettle clicked off and the Doctor went to pour the hot water. He filled Rose's cup with steaming water. Rose sighed inwardly, imagining the steam heating up her face, the sweet smell of tea wafting up her nose. The Doctors hand jerked suddenly when he was pouring his own cup. He hissed softly as the boiling water spilled onto his hand. As she went to him, Rose thought she saw a flicker of a smile on his features.

"I'm fine!" he said, going straight to the tap and turning it on cold.

"Keep your hand under there for at least ten minutes," Rose instructed. She glanced at his burnt hand. It didn't look too bad, just a bit pink. She finished making the tea and sat down again.

The Doctor pulled out from under the tap after less than a minute. He dried his hands with a Walt Disney towel and went to sit at the table.

"Oi - I said ten minutes! Go put it back under the tap!" Rose ordered.

The Doctor gave a one sided shrug and said, "I didn't burn myself that badly- and besides, I'm a Time Lord, remember? I can withstand higher temperatures than humans."

Rose was not happy with his answer but decided not to push anymore. Sure, he was a Time Lord, but that didn't explain the smile she saw when the water had first hit his naked skin.

* * *

Rose was on dinner duty that night. She had been in the kitchen for about forty five minutes, chopping the vegetables and making the lasagne. It was a special family recipe and she had absolutely refused the Doctor's help- it was staying within the family! _Mum's so strict when it comes to family traditions._ She felt a faint tug at her heart when she thought about her mum. Sure, she loved the TARDIS, but home was home. Rose had already resigned herself to the fact that she would never again lead a normal life- even if she did return home for good… 

She grabbed plates and cutlery and placed them on the table.

"DOCTOR!" she shouted through the door. She hoped that her voice would reach him down the immensity of the TARDIS.

She dished up the food and just as she was placing it on the table the Doctor came stumbling in. His right hand was gripping his other wrist tightly, and between his fingers she could see blood squeezing its way out.

"Rose…" the Doctor said weakly as he collapsed into a chair. "Please…"

Rose knew that he wanted the sonic screwdriver. She had been shocked by his sudden and bloody entrance, but she couldn't back down on her decision, not now.

"No, Doctor. We'll just try to stop the bleeding."

The Doctor shook his head absently. He gazed down at his left wrist.

"I can't stop it…I cut a vein." Rose suppressed a sudden urge to vomit as she watched the bright red blood pump out. With every beat of his heart more would come.

He clasped his hand back onto the wound. The sleeve of his shirt was soaked in blood. "Please…or I'll have to regenerate." He spoke with a quiet desperation in his voice, and Rose saw his head sway dangerously and his eyes begin to close. She made the decision.

Pulling the sonic screwdriver out of her pocket, she fell to her knees in front of him.

"Which setting? How do I change it?" she asked.

The Doctor glanced vaguely at the sonic screwdriver. "It's fine…" His voice slurred. "Just press the button…"

Rose did as instructed and a blue light shot out, onto the Doctor's wrist. He gasped softly as he felt his skin knitting back together slowly.

Once his wrist was completely free of cuts the Doctor let out a heavy sigh.

"Thank you…" out the word to Rose and slumped in the chair. She shoved the sonic screwdriver back into her pocket, grabbed the cloth which was by the sink, and started to wipe the blood off of his arm and hands. She knew he was only sleeping and while his body recovered.

Before long she had to get a new flannel as the other one was too bloodstained.

She knew then that she would have to get him so comfortable. _How will I be able to move him?_ She tried moving the chair in which he was sitting and was surprised to find it quite light. Frowning, Rose let her hands slide under the Doctor himself and lifted him carefully. Stunned, she realised that she could hold his weight entirely on her own!

She carried him the short distance to his bedroom and settled him down on his bed.

"This wasn't part of our deal, Doctor." she said to him quietly as she pulled up a chair and settled down next to him to wait.


	11. Chapter 11

**Author Notes**: I know you've all had a long wait… and you'll probably hate me after this chapter. Just remember to breathe before you review me telling me how much you hate me…:-S I'm going to write a longer author note after this…

* * *

**Chapter 11**

The Doctor woke slowly from his deep sleep. He stretched out his arms and legs leisurely but his breath hitched when he felt something heavy shift weight slightly. He looked around, blinking away the tiredness - Rose was sleeping on a chair with her head resting on his bed. He sighed audibly as he remembered what had happened the previous night.

_Rose…_ The Doctor grimaced. He had put her through so much. This wasn't fair. This wasn't her battle to fight. She didn't deserve the pressure of dealing with a self-harming Time Lord. She couldn't handle it. _It's cruel. I'm so sorry._ _I should have been more careful… you should never have found out. Then you wouldn't have to worry._

_It's not going to happen again. _The Doctor vowed.

He knew what he had to do.

* * *

Rose woke at 7.45. 

Her neck and back ached terribly. The cause of this, she noticed, was because she was sitting in a chair next to a bed on which her head was resting. She slowly eased herself into the upright position and started to stretch out her sore muscles.

She remembered how she had found this rather peculiar sleeping position. The bed was empty. No Doctor. _Where's he got to now?_ Rose felt her heart beat start to rise as the panic started to take over.

She started towards the door, but stopped. Her dressing gown, which always remained on the back of her door, had disappeared.

Rose stood deathly still. _No!_

She flung herself towards the wardrobe and ripped open the doors. No clothes.

She glanced at her dressing table. No make-up.

She moaned with dread. _He wouldn't do this- he couldn't!_ _It must be a joke… Yes that's it… it's got to be…_

She ran at lightening speed to the console room. The Doctor was leaning against the wall, his face expressionless.

"Where's my stuff?" She demanded

He looked at her and pointed over to the corner where two suitcases lay.

Rose glared furiously at the suitcases as though they had delivered her a personal insult.

"You're not going to get rid of me that easily."

"Rose-"

"NO! It's not fair!" Tears crept to the corners of her eyes and she stamped her right foot on the floor like a young child.

"I'm sorry. We can't go on like this anymore," the Doctor spoke, his voice sounding as though he was straining for control. "It has to be this way."

Rose shook her head and began walking towards him when suddenly the TARDIS jerked to a stop, knocking her off of her feet. The Doctor had barely moved, and she wondered if he had even noticed.

She pushed herself onto her knees. "Please,Doctor."

He tried to swallow but his throat seemed to be on fire. His eyes were burning as he held back tears. _She's begging, she's actually on the floor begging. I can't leave her… but… I can't keep putting her through this… _

The Doctor extended a hand to help Rose up, but she let out a sob and grabbed it, flinging herself at the Doctor and pulling him into a fierce hug. She held the Doctor for what she knew would be the last time.

The Doctor did not return the embrace. _No. If you don't do it now then you won't do it at all._

He prised himself away from her and picked up her suitcases. He opened the TARDIS door, and waited.

Rose could hear her footsteps echoing around the console room. She stepped towards the doorway. _This is it. The end . The end of everything.._ She felt as though she was walking to her execution.

_Step. _

_Step._

_Step._

She passed the corner of the console room where she had first found the Doctor cutting himself. When everything had fallen to pieces.

She reached the door and walked through it, the Doctor followed her stepping only 3 feet away from his TARDIS.

_Stuck on the Powel Estate. _Rose thought. _Brilliant._ A fresh wave of desperation washed over her. _Oh, god. This isn't happening._

The Doctor handed Rose her suitcase. His face was pained but controlled. _He won't do it…_ Rose realised. _All this time, all that we've been through, and he won't show his feelings._

"You can't go on your own Doctor!" Rose tried hiding her emotions, but they were so overwhelming that she found it impossible. "What if- I mean- You might-"

"Hush Rose." He shushed her quietly. "I can't put you through this anymore. I'll be ok. I just can't live each day with the shame of you knowing… It's better this way. You can get on with your life." He gave a small smile.

"You are my life!"

"Life isn't just about seeing the universe Rose. Settle down, have a family. You deserve so much more than this."

"Are you going domestic on me?" Rose suddenly blurted out before she could stop herself. The Doctor's telling me to 'settle down'?

The Doctor's control faltered for a second. "I didn't realise how much I had until I lost it. Don't make the same mistakes as me Rose."

Grief radiated off of him. No matter how much he tried to hide it he still had a past worthy of being Hell itself.

"Let me be your family, Doctor." Rose pleaded.

"NO!" Rose jumped at his sudden shout. "Sorry! Just, sorry… you have your mother to think about. I am not your life Rose. Understand? You have a life outside of the TARDIS."

"I love you!" Rose exclaimed.

He didn't say it. He would never say it, and they both knew it. However, the look Rose saw deep in his eyes told her all that she needed to know.

He couldn't say it in words, but silently he loved her with every fibre of his being. As a brother would love a sister.

"Goodbye Rose."

Rose stood there, suitcase in hand, watching her Doctor walk back into the TARDIS shutting the doors behind him. The TARDIS engines started up, and after what seemed like an age, the TARDIS slowly began to fade away, travelling through Time and Space.

And there was Rose, left behind. Just like all the others. She noted, with a sinking feeling, that she would not be the last.

As the sounds of her old home faded away, Rose Tyler turned and walked slowly towards an empty future.

* * *

**Concluding Author Notes:** Um…where do I start? I have so much to say! OH MY GOSH I ACTUALLY FINISHED IT! WOO! gets slapped by beta 

Okay, thanks everyone who has supported me through this story- that includes Hazel – despite her being the most picky and particular beta in all the world - , Roxie, all my wonderful reviewers and every single reader! I would not have had the motivation to write this without you all.

I do hope the ending didn't seem too rushed or anything… I mean I understand because each chapter has some sort of major event in them it seems to be very very short and hurried. Sorry…

Some plot points which I wrote into the story earlier on have not been resolved but to be honest I did just put them in there so that I had something to play around with in the later chapters. The 'TARDIS farms' for example was explained to a few of my close friends.. for everyone else I apologise for not writing anymore to explain what the Doctor was actually dreaming about. Basically we have zoo's etc. and because the TARDIS is an organic creature (thing) it must have been grown somehow… I guess… and on my imaginary Gallifrey there were TARDIS farms to grow them. (Note the 'imaginary'.)

I don't want my author notes to be as long as my actual story… but I feel like rambling… even though I am rather tired… I talk too much. I wish I could type as fast as I talked cos then I would be able to write all this in no time at all!

I'm not planning a sequel to this fic any time soon. If you have sequel ideas and/or you want to write a sequel then feel free as long as you email me first for my approval :-) I do have another Doctor Who plot bunny coming along very nicely but my plan is to write longer chapters with more regular updates… to do this I'm going to try and write most of the chapters before I start posting...So prepare for a long wait :-)

Thanks again to everyone, I really appreciate this.

Ps. I also know that its probably very unprofessional to write all this rubbish at the end of a fic saying 'woo I've finally finished!' but I figure that, ah, what the Heck, it's fanfiction, I'm doing it cos I enjoy it, and its all about getting your high and having fun. (and being obsessed…) I probably sound really stupid… oh well… you only live once. Fanfiction is what I do for fun and I feel that if I want to write lots of author notes then I shall… anyway… maybe my author notes are more interesting to read than some random bad quality one shots (cough, my harry potter stories, cough,)!

My author notes are a fifth of this whole bloomin page. Go me…


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